Gone Bananas
by Muffinzelda
Summary: Hobson's community service project is giving Lewis all sorts of ideas, set shortly after Wild Justice. Rated M for adult themes, but it's consistent with canon, so they don't actually do anything. (Sorry!)


Disclaimer: This story is for fan purposes only. The characters and quoted text are property of their respective owners (not me!) and are used here without permission.

* * *

_Lewis: Looking for me? _

_Hobson: No, I've been arranging to talk to some probationers, to explain my job. _

_Lewis: Can you explain mine?_

_-Wild Justice_

Inspector Lewis wasn't quite sure what he was doing in the pathology department, but he was thirsty, and he supposed that was as good a reason as any. He would ask Dr Laura Hobson if she wanted to go for a pint after work. Of course, it was only two in the afternoon, but he had some down time and he really just wanted to see her before he left. In three days' time, he would be going to Italy with his daughter, who wanted one last adventure with her dad before she became a mother herself. Hobson had been Lewis' first confidant about becoming a grandfather and he grew increasingly aware of how much he needed her friendship in his life. He entered Hobson's mortuary and walked in on her in a flurry of activity.

"Thank God you're here, Robbie. I need a hand carrying some things to my car." Lewis smiled. He liked being needed in return. "Can you grab the crate of bananas from that fridge?"

Confusion crossed his face. "In there?" He indicated the refrigeration unit where corpses were stored. She nodded in the affirmative. "I'm fairly sure that's not regulation, Laura."

"Don't tell," she said coquettishly.

Lewis went to the fridge and lifted the crate of bananas. "What's this all about, Laura?"

"The politburo dictated my professional growth plan this year; I've got to do community outreach. Seems there was a complaint about my demeanour at a crime scene. Oh, I'm sure they're right, of course. There's a reason that I don't practice medicine on the living: I totally lack in bedside manner. I'm not like you, Robbie; you've always had a knack for handling the families with compassion and dignity. You're one of the good ones."

He smiled and returned her compliment. "I don't care what they say; you're the best pathologist in Oxford."

"Thanks. Flattery will get you everywhere… So anyway, last time it was probationers, this time I'm speaking to youth in their personal and social development class."

"And you're bringing them a snack?" He said, referring to the bananas.

"Not exactly. We're using the bananas to practice putting on condoms."

Lewis coughed as he realized that while he was carrying a crate of bananas, Hobson herself was carrying a warehouse-bulk sized box of condoms. He had to put the bananas down on the mortuary slab in order to scratch his ear- his tic when he was uncomfortable.

"Does this fall into your area of professional expertise?" He asked.

"Pathologists have… intimate knowledge… of bodily fluids. You know, you could always come along if you want a refresher course."

"Thanks, but I think that I have a pretty good grasp on that part of biology. Don't forget that I have two kids running around the world somewhere."

"Your ability to procreate hardly illustrates your understanding of contraception."

"Allow me to rephrase, Doctor. I _ONLY_ have two kids running around the world somewhere. I'll have you know I was a happily married man."

Hobson smirked at him playfully, for she liked it when Lewis was able to refer to his late wife with a smile. _That's progress, _she thought_._ More often than not, whenever Val Lewis came up in conversation, his face would turn to stone in an attempt to hide his grief. Hobson decided to press Lewis a little further. "Mmm, fair enough, Robbie. But unplanned pregnancy is only the most salient consequence at hand here. I tell all the young women in these classes that even if they are on the pill, they still need to use condoms to protect themselves from sexually transmitted diseases. A girl can never tell who has gonorrhoea just by gazing into her lover's eyes- it doesn't matter if he is a randy adolescent or a loyal friend she's known for years." She gave him a flirtatious nod before continuing. "She can't assume his sexual history is squeaky-clean, even if she believes that he's always been monogamous."

Lewis acknowledged that Hobson was not speaking hypothetically. "Oy lass, I'm going to be a grandfather, you know."

"Plenty of respectable grandfathers have sex- and STDs. Syphilis alone felled how many royal houses?"

"You'd have to ask Hathaway. About the royal houses. Not about syphilis, mind you."

Lewis and the bananas accompanied Hobson to her car. He was so entranced by the idea that Hobson had planted in his mind- the idea that she found it normal for grandfathers to be sexually active- that he completely forgot to ask her out for pints after work. Typical Lewis...

* * *

The next morning, Inspector Lewis came into his office to find an envelope on his desk. "Robbie" appeared on the front in Dr Hobson's familiar scrawl. Inside the envelope was a "congratulations" card decorated with bright pink and blue nappy pins. He chuckled at the garish display then opened the card. _I was thinking about you last night. To celebrate your news, I thought you might want to help me use up the extras from yesterday's class. XOXO Laura_

(Lewis hoped that Hathaway didn't notice that he was blushing. Fortunately for Lewis, Hathaway was finishing the paperwork on the Caroline Hope case.)

Lewis began to pose himself a line of questions. Laura was thinking about him last night? Was she thinking of him the way he had been thinking of her? And the extra condoms? Would she want him to wear one? That's what she said in the lab, right? He wondered what else she might like, what else he could do to pleasure her.

It wasn't the first time Lewis was thinking about sex with Hobson, albeit the first time he was thinking about it practically rather than as an abstract. He once thought that maybe he and Hobson would have sex when they had planned that opera weekend. But he hadn't thought to bring condoms. He was too wracked with nerves to actually contemplate the details. While he was relieved to learn that she had booked two rooms, he also felt a pang of regret because he was secretly hoping for one. At the time, he had denied this desire even to himself because he still felt like he was betraying his marriage. But last night in his empty bed, he let a certain petite blonde pixie work her magic in his mind without any trace of malaise. Now, this morning, he felt himself getting warm at the prospect that she'd been thinking of him too.

His thoughts were interrupted by his mobile buzzing. It was HER! He took a second to clear his throat and compose himself before answering as nonchalantly as he could, "Lewis."

"Good morning, Robbie. Did you get my care package?"

"Package? I only found a card on me desk."

"That's odd; I left a present for you on your desk with the card."

His voice cracked like that of a teenage boy as he responded. "Erm, I have to go. I'll call you soon." He hung up before she could answer. "James, was there a… present… from Dr Hobson on my desk?"

Hathaway looked up from his computer screen. "Oh yes, I completely forgot to tell you about that. Sorry, sir. DC Hooper saw it, got excited and absconded with it to the staff room. There really are a lot of them, so I didn't think you'd mind sharing." Hathaway noticed that Lewis started to cough, but instead of covering his mouth, he was picking at his ear. Hathaway, like Hobson, knew this tic of Lewis' and asked, "What is it, sir?"

"Just need some water," Lewis choked out. Lewis strode quickly to the staff room to rescue his package from DC Hooper, with Hathaway following in concern. Lewis walked in on their colleagues Julie and Gurdip sampling banana bread and banana muffins and banana biscuits. _Not extra condoms, extra bananas! _Lewis deflated and very nearly collapsed against the wall. Hobson- his oldest friend, his wisest colleague, his most trusted confidant- had baked for him. He struggled to catch his breath as he tried to disguise his laughter as more coughing.

Hathaway tendered him a plastic cup. "Have some water, sir. Do you need anything else?"

"I need my vacation, Hathaway." Lewis grabbed two muffins from the basket and wandered off in the direction of the pathology lab. He would stop to pick up two coffees on the way: his was a sobering black and hers had a cream and two sugars. He knew just how Hobson liked it after all.

* * *

Author Note: When I first saw this story's inciting exchange from Wild Justice, I thought of the SNL comedy sketches featuring Keenan Thompson (+ guest) as a convict talking to troubled youths. I wanted to use Laura Hobson as his guest sidekick to write something humorous. That didn't materialize, but it took another direction thanks to Morse. This story was also inspired by a scene from Cherubim and Seraphim in which Morse walks in on a personal and social development class as the youths are putting condoms on bananas.


End file.
